Who Am I? (Part 4)

For the past several weeks, I’ve noticed that some of the little things that have brought me pleasure; those things that I have turned to, to occupy myself were not having the same effect on me anymore. I know the Word of God says something about the pleasures of youth would wane, when we get older, and, I wondered, if this is what was happening to me.
 First, I realized that going to town (we live out in the country) no more was capturing me; in fact, I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore; like it was a bad fit. Even when I visited my favorite browsing stores, that didn’t light the spark in me it once did. This alone, didn’t prove God was trying too get my attention. I just figured since I had lived out in the country now for 38 years, that I was finally becoming a true, country girl. But, then, another pleasure, I had of creating decorative boxes, was gone. I have made about 500-600 of these in the past decade, and designing and making them always provided enjoyment, but not now. The thought of it just left me flat. Perhaps I was getting depressed for an unknown reason. Was I processing things in my subconscious that was making me sad, I wondered? The final joyful preoccupation that was being removed from me was my involvement in our mission outreaches in India. Thinking about India and it’s people, communicating with the 2 pastors whose missions we support and advocate for there, as they kept me informed about their outreaches, planning ways to fund raise for them, looking at the pictures they would send me, and thinking about our next trip there, had kept me when all else failed. But, now, even that was gone!
For a few days, when things had gotten quiet in my life, I busied myself doing some chores that I had neglected around the house. I cleaned out my closet, rearranged a bookshelf, and items in 2 of my hutches, and things like that. I did have a sense of accomplishment that brought me some satisfaction, but then it, too, was gone. I had no more energy or desire to do any more. Of anything. And so, there I sat. All that was left was me and God.
What’s going on, I asked Him? What is happening to me? I was beginning to not even recognize myself, as I had been, or even my life; they seemed to be “passing away.”  My hope lay in the fact that God makes all things new, and that is what was happening, although it felt very disconcerting.
On Nov. 28,  2018, I "made an appointment" with the Wonderful Counselor, which I had recently begun to do when I felt I needed some kind of answers from Him. He didn’t always answer right away, but just sharing my thoughts,feelings, and fears with Him, writing them down, usually helped me tremendously. On this morning, though, even before I asked, He began to reveal so much, about my former preoccupations and how, by Him removing the satisfaction they had brought me, was being used to bring me into the soul healing I needed, but had long forgotten, and laid aside. In fact, not only had I laid my healing aside, but I had laid my true self aside. (the self God had created me to be)
Somewhere along the way, (since I was 2 years old!) I had begun to turn against myself from an incident that may have happened at that time, and from all later evidence, in my life, did happen. I repressed not only my feelings from the trauma that had happened to me, but I also repressed my authentic self, taking it deep “under the sea,” perhaps, unconsciously hoping I would drown. I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who had been bruised and abused; with faulty or broken parts.
Being brought up in critical, blaming and negative environment created by my Dad, almost seemed to
justify my self alienation and judgment. If everything I did was wrong, then over time, I concluded that I was inherently wrong. So, with that conclusion drawn, so many other things that I truly did wrong, or that others did, or even said, to me, that I labeled, in my mind, as rejection, just drove the nail in further.
But now, here I am, counseling with the Lord, and Him telling me, “It’s time to receive your healing.”
He has brought so much revelation on my life, the past few days, in how I’ve treated myself negatively, and why, and, in showing me, how much harm that has done. The amazing thing is that I was able to look at these things, objectively, without shame,guilt, or self-hatred, but I've been able to feel His compassion for me through it.  He is leading me daily to integrate me with myself,  by showing me who He created me to be, and I am feeling at home with myself. Could I even say "love myself" in a healthy way? It simply is a miracle.
God wants to bring healing to everyone who belongs to Him. His compassion for us, who were once damaged, broke His heart. He wants us whole; He wants to make all things new in us, so that our lives will be used for His glory, in a real way; with our real selves.
Your healing may not look like mine, but if you are His, and you open up to His Will
being done in you,  He will do it, in His way, and in His time. I have tried so many times to heal myself in the past, to hurry it along with my ways and methods, but it never worked. That is because I couldn’t do it, and neither can you. The only One who can is our Jehovah Rapha; the God who heals!!!
I hope that something I’ve written speaks to you, to encourage you to know that God has not, and will not forget you, Your healing is on it’s way. He will restore your soul. The Lord is your Shepherd.
 If you feel lost and can’t find yourself, or don’t know yourself, it may be because of a past trauma, or traumas, or even just living in a traumatic environment on a daily basis, when you may have gone underground to protect yourself. You may have created someone new in your mind,  who you thought would be someone that you could accept, but the truth is, that it is NOT you, and God won’t let you stay that way. He desires truth in the inward parts. He wants you whole and genuine. He is faithful and He will do it. Get ready to meet the wonderful creation that He has made you to be! Welcome yourself home! The freedom and peace in that is beyond description.
(End of Part 4)

Who Am I? (Part 3)

My son recently said that life, itself, is traumatic, and, to a certain degree, I agree with him. I believe that before we were birthed into this world, we were in the presence of God, evidenced by the innocence and purity on the face of a baby, perhaps reflecting His glory, by looking into His face. The moment we were conceived, and then birthed into this world, the evil in others, the spirit of this world, and even our own inherancy to sin, will begin to mar, and even tramatize our former existence, and purity.
Some of the forms trauma takes, are parental abandonment, poverty, neglect, rejection, divorce of parents, drug or alcohol abuse in the home, unhealthy dependency created by the parent between the child and the parent, death or disability of a loved one, and verbal, physical, sexual and even spiritual abuse. Lesser forms include a lying parent(s) leading the child into deception, for example, or any other strongholds the parents or caretakers may have which influence the child in a negative way. If a child’s life is filled with more of these traumatizing things, and void of love, it is almost certain they will grow to adulthood repeating these same damaging ways to the next generation, and they will certainly be inflicted with the damaging effects themselves.
If these same people, however, are drawn by God, and are reconciled to Him, by receiving their salvation in Jesus Christ, God will, as He promises, complete what He  started in them, by conforming them into His Son’s image. Part of this involves, I believe, is Him healing the damage in our soul’s, from the trauma it has experienced.
How does He do this, the question is asked again? I can only share about what has happened to me, and how God is presently moving on, and in me to walk this path.
I have known I’ve needed my soul healed for many years because I’ve struggled severely with fear, guilt, and anger primarily. God has healed me in part progressively, and I’ve always been hopeful He would finish the work progressively. More than progressively, though, I have hoped that I could just get prayed for, delivered, and that would be the end of that. Although I did once go for a deliverance session, my soul had not yet  been healed enough to endure the triggers in that deliverance, and so, it further damaged my soul. I had not waited on God to lead me in the path of healing, but took matters into my own hands. If it had been God who had led me, it would have brought life and healing, and not more trauma, and damage. Because of the outcome of this, I am learning to trust His timing and accept the truth that He knows me better than I know myself.
The trauma I experienced in my childhood was not necessarily remembered (as so many are not, because of one’s protective ability to block it out, and dissociate during the trauma) but has been deducted from my own continued soul sufferings throughout my lifetime, and their affect on my coping abilities, and their negative effect on others in my life. There have been numerous  unexplained pieces of the puzzle, which  have presented themselves also, which have created a picture that a trauma, if not traumas have occurred. I have tried desperately to dig it out, asking God to reveal it to me, so I can get healed, but (I think) because it could  never be substantiated, that God has not let that happen. Perhaps, it would have done more harm than good. (End of Part 3)

Who Am I? (Part 2)

Experiencing trauma and it’s effects are relative. Let’s use plants as an example. Which plant would be crushed and destroyed more if someone walked on it; a violet or a cactus? I think you see the point. I am convinced that our temperaments and sensibilities are so very different, that what would affect one person’s soul, and damage it, may not affect someone else, at least in the same way, or to the same degree. One child can be crushed by a mean look, while another, with a stronger frame just shrugs it off, and another doesn’t even notice! It is obvious that the sensitive child will be quicker to block or dissociate when harmful things happen to them. If these incidences happen repeatedly over a long period of time, in the developmental stages of life, serious consequences can result, not to mention, the methods of blocking and dissociating that develop in an attempt to cope and protect themselves, as was mentioned in Part 1, with one of the most dire is becoming a different person than who God created them to be. This masked self ends up not knowing their authentic self, so consequently, has a hard time relating to themselves and others. Even their relationship with God is false because the masked person is the one doing the relating, and most of this has been imitated by observing others, and mimicking their behaviors. For example, if someone asks them, “How are you?” they know to say “fine,” but to really be fine, and say it with any authenticity, they cannot, because they don’t know themselves or their feelings.
How does one, who is a Christian, get healed from this? Is it possible to get to know yourself, once you have been lost,  in the traumas of the past?
Although taken out of context from Scripture, the Kingdom principle still remains: “With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt. 19:26)  Only He can show you your need for soul healing  from trauma in childhood, give you the courage to admit and face it, and help you take the mask off, to meet your authentic self.
How does He do that? In so many different ways. As we look in the Word at some physical healings He did, we see Him using spittle to heal the blind man, directions to wash seven times in the river for another, and laying on another to bring healing, and He does the same to customize His children’s soul healing, to set them free and to reclaim their true identity. (End of Part 2) 

Who Am I? (Part 1)

Trauma in childhood can mask the identity of who God created us to be. We can appear to ourselves and others as someone else. That is why it is necessary that God show and heal us of this false identity. If we remain another person, altogether from the one He created us to be, it will affect every area of our life from our own self image, to the relationships we endure, which damage us further, and even to how we understand God’s Word, and how it relates to us individually and to others, as well. We can even spiritualize everything in us, around us, and what happens to us in an attempt to avoid the soul redemption that we so badly need.
The first step in this healing is to hear God, by the Spirit, showing you the damage that has been done to you. Our willingness to acknowledge that is paramount. And we will be willing, since this willingness is the result of letting Him work in you thus far. He gets you to that point. Even if it takes years, it is His grace that you haven’t gotten ahead of Him, because to do so would cause further damage to your soul, if He has not readied you beforehand to be strong enough to endure the healing, and the confusion and unsettledness that will cause before experiencing the freedom, joy and peace on the other side.
Since the pain inflicted (either physical, mental or emotional or, all three) was too hard for your child mind to process or cope with, a certain degree (mild or severe) of dissociation happened in your soul. This means that you blocked out the reality that this was really happening, or that it was that bad, and took yourself and your emotions somewhere else, to a safe place. But, unfortunately, this method you used saved your sanity for that place in time, but since those times, the consequences of using that method, has caused you immense problems throughout your life. In fact, you are probably still using that same method, even if no threats now exist. Triggers of those traumatizing events are still controlling you, while you personify someone that is not even you.
If you can identify with this, you might think, “This sounds like I am a psycho.”  No, not at all. Someone or something or some things (damaging circumstances) HAPPENED to you. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, nor was it anything you lacked or perpetuated within your self. You were a child. (End of Part 1)

A New Take on Ananias and Sapphira

There is a shift that has happened in people's hearts in the area of giving; a change in wanting to bless others towards keeping for oneself or holding back-an Ananias and Sapphira spirit, that runs parallel to greed increasing; connected to the "prosperity" teachings that has pervaded the Western church for the past several decades, and has been imported around the world.
The picture of Jesus washing the disciples' feet at the Passover meal, before He was crucified and left this earth, is quickly fading, with His message of serving others, backed up by His Word "to esteem others better than ourselves." (Phil. 2:3)
Serving and giving is the heartbeat of our Christ, which is barely discernible today, while selfishness is being proudly accepted as the new norm. (although it is not being called that, but rather justified for one reason or another, for example, using the Scripture "love your neighbor as yourself'" and twisting it's meaning.)
The light of Christ's love, which once shined bright, is slowly being darkened by this blight of the soul, in the hearts of many who call themselves His.

"And lawlessness will increase, and the hearts of most will grow cold."- Matt. 24:12.
"See, I have told you beforehand."-Matt. 24:25

Water to Wine!

Whenever there are large family gatherings, there will be a mix of believers and unbelievers attending. Make it a point, then, to pray before going that the plans and purposes of the Lord would be fulfilled, and that the enemy, and his schemes would fail. Don’t ever believe that he is not working day and night to use the unbeliever’s influence to sidetrack the believers through these family ties, or to increase his intent through those who are his to strengthen their ties to him!!!! So, the soldiers of the cross should work as hard to entreat God for His Will to be done, for He has so much He wants to get done in these events, by using his children, whose Light is in them, to dispel the darkness. As we grow in Him, we need to start looking at everything through spiritual eyes, with our hearts set on eternity, not only for ourselves, but for others.
Attending such an event last night, after praying these things with my husband, I asked the Lord this morning, what had been accomplished within the group. He showed me that the general feel of revelry, which had been present in years before, was just not there. One particular plan, involving my granddaughters, had failed completely. Then He gave me a list of people who were being drawn to the Light of His truth, goodness, and love. Today, these same family members are gathering again for the Thanksgiving meal. He gave me instruction, concerning those. He said,”Bond those relationships today. I’m coming in.” And so, what, in the natural, seems like eating and socializing, is turned into a spiritual move of God to draw all people to Him; those who are being saved.
Once again, before I go, I will bind the strongman, so he won’t try and interfere with God’s plans for those He’s marked, and I will be a missionary in my own backyard, agreeing to be used by God for His purposes, as I make a point in talking specifically to these 6 people, knowing that, by His Spirit in me, they will be drawn closer to His Light. Will I get the privelege of Him using me concerning the salvation of their soul? I don’t know, but I will be ready, if that is how He leads the conversation.
Isn’t it an exciting walk when an ordinary meal and gathering is turned into a harvest field? Like water being turned into wine! The common becomes the sacred! All because, in all things, we acknowledge Him, and are at His ready call. The fields are white into harvest! Become a laborer at your next family gathering! Overturn the plans of the enemy for evil; stand back and watch the glory of God move in your family! Be a willing vessel; fit for the Master’s use. 

Rend Your Hearts

In my 28 years of knowing the Lord, I have seen many other believers fall by the wayside, and it has been so grievous. Naively, from the time that I first said "I choose you, Lord," I didn't really know that others would leave Him, and stood amazed and confused, when I saw that happening. I mean, it was till death do us part, wasn't it? And why would the Bride leave her Groom; the only One who had the words of eternal life? Peter wondered that too, when Jesus asked him, after many had quit following Him, if he (Peter) was going to leave, too. (John 6:67,68)

We have got to hold onto our faith, saints, through thick and thin, by running to Him when things get scary; when the cares of this world are weighing us down so bad that we can't take another ounce of it; when the evil in this world encroaches upon us, and when traumatic things happen and they do and they will. Processing all of this in hope (knowing that He will rescue, keep and get us through) is the only way to maintain it. (our faith)

And, don't worry, I have been tried beyond my ability to endure within myself, but all these things happen so that we will learn to depend on God and not ourselves, as we draw closer to Him in our peril, and even in our unbelief sometimes. (2 Cor. 1:9, Mark 9;24)

The world and our own devices (yes, sometimes suggested and fueled by satan, but also by our self-indulgence and sufficiency) holds nothing for us. We've done that already before we came to Him. Didn't we reach the end of ourselves at that time? Why try again to get ourselves out of our circumstances without Him, for He only is the Savior, and knows what's best for us, if we listen and DO what He is telling us, no matter if it feels wrong, or even more threatening than the circumstance itself. We walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Cor. 5:7)

The most awful thing about doing this repeatedly, is that we will eventually lose our faith (actually, we are throwing it aside) and lose Him in our lives; for now and eternity. The consequences are serious! (Read 2 Peter 2, if interested.)

At this time, I can see the majority of those who call themselves "christian", just acknowledging Him with their mouth, but in their actions, they are following their own wills, and they have chosen to be both in the world, and OF it. They have left the sojourn of "looking for a city, whose Kingdom and maker is God." They have thrown away their inheritance and exchanged it for a bowl of stew as Esau did, or for things they can touch, see, smell, and feel over the Kingdom of God. I don't know if the Great Falling away happens in different parts of the world, at different times, but American "christians" here have so bonded with this present world, and seem to love it like Demas did, that they have chosen Mammon over God. And He has already told us that if we do this, that we don't have a love for Him!!!!! It really is clear in His Word.

If you recognize yourself, then there is still time to repent, or change your mind (I don't want my will, but I want God's) and turn back to Him. Sadly, though, most who need to see themselves, through their willful lives, by fulfilling their own lusts, have become blind.

Time is running out with each passing day! I join with the prophet, Joel, in proclaiming-"So, rend your hearts and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing...." Joel 2:13, 14a
We rest our hope on the grace of God only.

Love Covers

A gentle Word from You, Lord, melts my heart; breaks all defenses, shatters all pretenses; strips me bare. Naked before You I stand unashamed. 

A Champion Comes to Fight!!!

(This post is birthed out of intense, personal and mental suffering, after coming through on the other side)
Have you ever experienced such an attack on your mind, against yourself, that it was so powerful, to disable you to resist and fight back? And, during the rage within, you were aware of your own defenselessness? You knew the giant that came against you had taken you captive, and there you were, bound and gagged? And so, being in that place of vulnerability, you surrendered to it, not knowing the outcome, whether good or bad.
What about your faith? Where was it at that time? It seemed that it was being held captive too. Satan was showing you, using the Word that you had no faith, adding to the torment.
There are several things to remember (although that ability is severely impaired during one of these attacks,) that helps when looking back. One, that may be primary, is that if you have set your will to follow His, completely surrendered to Him, then satan will come to try, by any means possible, to kill Him within you. He does not want His power, truth and love to be proclaimed in the earth, because, after all, for a season, the world does belong to him, and we are squatters, as he sees it. The next thing to remember is that any attacks on your person, are not personal, although it seems like it, because you are the direct target, and your soul feels it immensely. You will feel guilt, fear and condemnation, all at the same time. The vulnerability of your soul will be laid bare, and your faith will recoil, as you wallow in it's helplessness.
On the up side of all this suffering, you can know that you cannot escape, nor would we want to, the given reality that God will take any form or degree of suffering, and use it for His purposes, ordained since the foundation of the earth, and because you are His, He will give more of His glory to you (at some point in time) because of the sufferings you go through. This is too deep and wonderful to plumb!!!
How did I get out of this captivity, I asked, looking back.  God showed me what had happened, in the spirit, for me to be released. Did I rise up and fight off the devil? No, I was unable. Did I overcome by the word of my testimony? No, I was unable. Was I so good at warfare, by this time, that it was no problem to win this battle? No, my will and my faith were bound. Well, what happened, then? How was I set free from this seeming tormenting hopelessness?
The Lord reminded me of a verse in the hymn, which He brought to my mind.
 Here it is: A CHAMPION COMES TO FIGHT! The truth in this sentence, a lyric in the hymn, A Mighty Fortress is Our God, burst in to my spiritual awareness, showing me that when we are faithless, He is yet faithful. He showed me that in my weakness, His strength is made perfect. He brought to my understanding that when I hold my peace, that He would fight the battles that I couldn't.
A picture comes to mind, of a damsel in distress  without hope of rescuing herself, having been attacked by a power much stronger than her ability to do so. After her sufferings has done it's perfect work, the One who has made Himself responsible for her care; Her protector and defender, comes to the rescue, bringing deliverance, that only He could bring. And, that is what happened to me, and that is what happens to you when you are in a similar situation. Struck down, but not destroyedk the Word says. We are not destroyed because the Destroyer of the destroyer, came and once again brought satan to his knees, on your behalf,  proving once again, of His love to you, to the world, that what happened on the cross, truly happened.
So thankful that He is my Mighty Fortress, and that even when I am down for the count, He comes on the scene, and makes mincemeat of my accuser. He is indeed the Lover of My soul, and no weapon formed against me will prosper, for this is the inheritance of the servants (and beloved children) of the Lord!!!

The Lantern of Life!

Word from the Lord, concerning His Presence in us: “You have been born by the Blood of the Lamb,and so, know that you carry this treasure (Me, Christ)in your earthen vessel. My Light shines through you like the flame in a lantern. You are being carried around by my Holy Spirit, causing demons to flee; dispelling the darkness, wherever He brings you, to rule and reign in that place. Those who are perishing will flee, and head for the pit of destruction; those who are being saved will be drawn to the Light, as I bring them closer to Me.”

Danger in the Willingness to be Controlled

The cup of iniquity (poison) someone gives another to drink, if accepted, must be filled to the top and drunk completely, fully reaping what has been sown, before the willing partner sees what they have allowed. Only upon seeing clearly, can they either break free into Life, or stay captive to another, which leads to death. Christ came to set the captives free, but we must enact it for ourselves.