Who Am I? (Part 4)

For the past several weeks, I’ve noticed that some of the little things that have brought me pleasure; those things that I have turned to, to occupy myself were not having the same effect on me anymore. I know the Word of God says something about the pleasures of youth would wane, when we get older, and, I wondered, if this is what was happening to me.
 First, I realized that going to town (we live out in the country) no more was capturing me; in fact, I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore; like it was a bad fit. Even when I visited my favorite browsing stores, that didn’t light the spark in me it once did. This alone, didn’t prove God was trying too get my attention. I just figured since I had lived out in the country now for 38 years, that I was finally becoming a true, country girl. But, then, another pleasure, I had of creating decorative boxes, was gone. I have made about 500-600 of these in the past decade, and designing and making them always provided enjoyment, but not now. The thought of it just left me flat. Perhaps I was getting depressed for an unknown reason. Was I processing things in my subconscious that was making me sad, I wondered? The final joyful preoccupation that was being removed from me was my involvement in our mission outreaches in India. Thinking about India and it’s people, communicating with the 2 pastors whose missions we support and advocate for there, as they kept me informed about their outreaches, planning ways to fund raise for them, looking at the pictures they would send me, and thinking about our next trip there, had kept me when all else failed. But, now, even that was gone!
For a few days, when things had gotten quiet in my life, I busied myself doing some chores that I had neglected around the house. I cleaned out my closet, rearranged a bookshelf, and items in 2 of my hutches, and things like that. I did have a sense of accomplishment that brought me some satisfaction, but then it, too, was gone. I had no more energy or desire to do any more. Of anything. And so, there I sat. All that was left was me and God.
What’s going on, I asked Him? What is happening to me? I was beginning to not even recognize myself, as I had been, or even my life; they seemed to be “passing away.”  My hope lay in the fact that God makes all things new, and that is what was happening, although it felt very disconcerting.
On Nov. 28,  2018, I "made an appointment" with the Wonderful Counselor, which I had recently begun to do when I felt I needed some kind of answers from Him. He didn’t always answer right away, but just sharing my thoughts,feelings, and fears with Him, writing them down, usually helped me tremendously. On this morning, though, even before I asked, He began to reveal so much, about my former preoccupations and how, by Him removing the satisfaction they had brought me, was being used to bring me into the soul healing I needed, but had long forgotten, and laid aside. In fact, not only had I laid my healing aside, but I had laid my true self aside. (the self God had created me to be)
Somewhere along the way, (since I was 2 years old!) I had begun to turn against myself from an incident that may have happened at that time, and from all later evidence, in my life, did happen. I repressed not only my feelings from the trauma that had happened to me, but I also repressed my authentic self, taking it deep “under the sea,” perhaps, unconsciously hoping I would drown. I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who had been bruised and abused; with faulty or broken parts.
Being brought up in critical, blaming and negative environment created by my Dad, almost seemed to
justify my self alienation and judgment. If everything I did was wrong, then over time, I concluded that I was inherently wrong. So, with that conclusion drawn, so many other things that I truly did wrong, or that others did, or even said, to me, that I labeled, in my mind, as rejection, just drove the nail in further.
But now, here I am, counseling with the Lord, and Him telling me, “It’s time to receive your healing.”
He has brought so much revelation on my life, the past few days, in how I’ve treated myself negatively, and why, and, in showing me, how much harm that has done. The amazing thing is that I was able to look at these things, objectively, without shame,guilt, or self-hatred, but I've been able to feel His compassion for me through it.  He is leading me daily to integrate me with myself,  by showing me who He created me to be, and I am feeling at home with myself. Could I even say "love myself" in a healthy way? It simply is a miracle.
God wants to bring healing to everyone who belongs to Him. His compassion for us, who were once damaged, broke His heart. He wants us whole; He wants to make all things new in us, so that our lives will be used for His glory, in a real way; with our real selves.
Your healing may not look like mine, but if you are His, and you open up to His Will
being done in you,  He will do it, in His way, and in His time. I have tried so many times to heal myself in the past, to hurry it along with my ways and methods, but it never worked. That is because I couldn’t do it, and neither can you. The only One who can is our Jehovah Rapha; the God who heals!!!
I hope that something I’ve written speaks to you, to encourage you to know that God has not, and will not forget you, Your healing is on it’s way. He will restore your soul. The Lord is your Shepherd.
 If you feel lost and can’t find yourself, or don’t know yourself, it may be because of a past trauma, or traumas, or even just living in a traumatic environment on a daily basis, when you may have gone underground to protect yourself. You may have created someone new in your mind,  who you thought would be someone that you could accept, but the truth is, that it is NOT you, and God won’t let you stay that way. He desires truth in the inward parts. He wants you whole and genuine. He is faithful and He will do it. Get ready to meet the wonderful creation that He has made you to be! Welcome yourself home! The freedom and peace in that is beyond description.
(End of Part 4)