Opening Up to His Love

     Sometimes I am so desperate to hear from God that I can take anything and believe that it is Him, when perhaps it is just me imagining it's Him. I think it might be due to wanting to really believe and know that He loves me, and by believing He is speaking, communicates to my insecure heart and mind, that He is still there with me.
     Yesterday I had a conversation with a sister in the Lord, and she was sharing what someone had shared with her about really knowing that God loves every part of us. When we believe that, than we will love our own selves in that same way because He does; not selfishly or in a self-centered way, but out of the wholeness that He brings to us.
     I'll admit that I am desperate for God. I need His love, time and attention. I need Him to nurture and comfort me; to know that He really cares and will protect and keep me. I need to know that in my heart, and not to just repeat it to myself in my head.
     Is this to be poor in spirit? If so, the Word says I am blessed, because it is only those poor ones, who will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. In the Greek, the word "poor" means to be completely empty.
     Knowing that I cannot supply my own needs, or even get them filled by others, I look to Him. I want to know this love He has for me, and truly receive it. I need it.
     A few months ago, I went on a trip and met some people for the first time. They had several sessions of teaching with me. During the course of time, my own lack became apparent to them, as they came to know me. One of the women made a comment that keeps sounding in my ear, even presently. She said (referring to what she was observing in me) ,"The sadness."
     I have realized that I do carry around much sadness. Other people are not comfortable with sadness, and certainly do not equate it with knowing Jesus, afterall, one of the fruits of the Spirit is joy, so they want me to be "healed" from it. I do too.
     I think I now truly do know where this sadness came from. It is something that I was fundamentally deprived of as a child; something so vital to life and growth that the sadness entered me then. So, it is impossible for this to be recovered, in the sense of going back. There is no "rewinds" in life. It is apparent to me that He Alone can impart this to me.
     And so I sit at His feet, poor, wanting and waiting for Him to give it to me. I don't know if there is something in me that is afraid of His love, nurturing and attention because I've learned to live without it, or if He knows something I don't about me, and so He's waiting a little longer to give it to me.  I need, and I wait. Until then, my sadness remains, but I wait in hope. "I need that everlasting water you speak of."