Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Friday, April 19, 2013

I Can't Heal Me! Only He Can!

     A charge has been brought to my account: I am narcissistic. It took my breathe away when this person said it to me, and brought tears to my eyes. I have thought I was alot of things, but never this! Because of my insecurities over the years, which God has been so faithful to heal me progressively of, I have looked at myself negatively, and never thought this term, which means basically self-centered and self-absorbing was me, especially since it indicates an over-inflated ego, whereas insecurity means you don't think much of yourself. It just didn't seem like both could be present in one person.  But now, that the charge has been made, I must consider it before God.
     It makes sense that it "might" be true, because of the fact that I am so affected by other people I think of in this way. When I am around these people, my own value seems to be ignored or diminished. Is that enough evidence to indict me?
     In my own defense, I see myself as a good listening, letting the other person talk about themselves or what they have been doing, ever aware that each person in a relationship must have a turn to bring balance to it, and to insure some degree of longevity to it. I believe they call that "social skills."
     On the other hand, does the fact that I am even wanting to know if I am this way or not indicate "narcissism" in and of itself? I remember a few posts back, God showed me to "letting ourselves die" meaning to not even think about ourselves at all, either negatively or postively, but to focus on Him alone, and His promises to us.
     So, let's assume I am narcissistic. What are God's promises to me? That He is conforming me into His image, and He will complete what He started in me. That He is the author and finisher of my faith, and that His work includes changing my will and my behavior to make it in line with His good pleasure. Can we just stop there and rest or is there something He wants us to do in all of this? Is it necessary for us to see ourselves in the flesh (like being narcissistic, let's say) so that we can ask Him to kill that in us, or, as some have said, just look at Him and then we will be changed automatically. (from glory to glory)
      I had someone who has worked with woman wanting to change, relay to me that they had never seen anyone do so by looking at the process, but only by looking at His promises. It's something worthy to consider. I think this is called being God conscious, instead of sin-conscious.
     I have many questions concerning the work He does in us. I know He has done alot so far in me, as I am not as controlled by things like I used to be. I see great progress in what He has done in me, but I must say, it has not been easy. "The flesh dies hard."
     The strange thing that can happen when someone tells a person they are this way or that is that they become already more self-conscious than they already are. Then, it seems, their self-focus is even more acute, and perhaps even more narcissistic. What a maze one can get in.
     It's the Holy Spirit of God that will lead me in my response to this indictment. I don't want to defend, excuse or explain away these tendencies that I may have, nor do I want to magnify the indictment against myself, as to bring shame and self-hatred. Oh, my Lord, lead me in the paths of righteousness for Your Name's Sake in all of this. He promises me He will, and I am beginning to understand the meaning of this more and more.
     I will be more sensitive to others as I relate to them, and ask God's Holy Spirit power to let His fruit of self-control dominate, at those times that I am being self-centered and focused. I will trust what He has promised to me as He works on the inside of me, and rest there, believing that what He tells me is true, because He is trustworthy and faithful.
    I think this indictment made by a person I truly love and want total restoration with, is being used by God for my benefit. It has helped me snap out of looking at my flaws and bent ways so intently, and is being used to "turn my eyes upon Jesus" and His promises to me.
     Wow-Our God is an awesome God! It has made me realize even more fully that in myself dwells no good thing, and I can't heal myself, even if I know all that is wrong with me, and that I need to change. God alone is the Healer, and I must trust in Him only to do His work.  


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