Stranger in a Strange Land

     I've had one strange day, so far. It's only 3:00pm now, so I can't claim it's been totally strange yet. Anyway, from the outside looking in, no one would label it as strange. I woke up, got my coffee, got on the computer, ate breakfast, put some clothes in the washer, read a short devotional, went to town to watch my grandson play soccer, mailed a package at the post office, went to a few garage sales, put some gas in my car, came home, got something to eat, and got back on the computer. So, as I said, that seems relatively normal and not strange.
     So, why do I call it that? I guess because I am strange and what goes on in my head and emotions is what I am basing my description on.
     Let me share about my emotional and mental viruses, I'll call them. For some unknown reason, I was especially sensitive when I woke up. My husband said something, and I got angry. I knew he didn't mean anything by it, but my stinger was out! It hit a nerve, and I don't know what nerve, or why. I carried around this anger for quite awhile, almost feeling justified in having it. I feel it was connected to the reality that God is working out of me those feelings of discontentment, fear, and self-will I have been blogging about, and the enemy is trying to "make me" hold onto them. So, the battle is on, and it's happening inside of me.
     I went to the Lord inquiring of Him as to what in the world is going on, and He led me to a devotional book so He could speak with me. It put everything in perspective and I knew I would be alright, but the feelings didn't go away yet. In fact, more feelings came when I got on Facebook. As a result, the Lord has asked me to not look at it anymore, as it stirs up things in me. One good thing that comes out of the feelings experienced is that I see some of what is still not surrendered in me.
     The general feelings included not being connected to anyone, losing the same closeness of  relationship I have had with people in my family in the past, being an outcast not "in sync" with the world around me, and just being downright lonely.  With that came a wondering if I have caused these feelings by my behavior, or if it's just a result of me following Jesus on a path that is getting less and less populated. If this is the reason, I am confident of where I'm at. If I am the one who has created these situations, I would be fearful. I would fear that I have wasted my life up until now, and have made the wrong decisions, and I wouldn't be able to do anything different, or even know how, or know what to do.
     This war that was going on inside me has left me subdued and forlorn. I don't know the answers , and I don't even know if I can get the answers, but accepting the reality is tough, too. My life is changing, and I don't seem to have any control over it. That feeling of helplessness is not pleasant. Like I said it is like a virus in that it seems to have to run it's course.
     Oh Lord, when I am in the foggy funk, help me. I trust you still. But I am blind at this moment. Help me go on, seeing by faith. I am not on the same page as so many of the people I see in this world, Christian and non-Christian alike. I see the abundant life as more than going to ballgames, buying stuff, getting pedicures, and even fun-family times. (although those are good) Whenever I am shining your light or reaching out to others in your Name, or doing something I know is advancing your Kingdom, I experience that abundant Life. I experience you flowing through me. Keep me on the path you are taking me on, no matter what the outcome. I long to be and stay Yours in this world, even if  others in my life choose to go another way. I know this will probably mean experiencing more of these feelings and having more strange days until You get me to the other side. And I pray that You will , and I know that You will.

"All these people (those who live by faith) were still living by faith when they died. (Sometimes we have to die in faith believing in what we are hoping for) They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, (Egypt?) they would have had opportunity to return. (Oh, let's hope not; there is bondage there.) Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. (Oh, yea-not more tears, pain, etc.) Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, (Halleluia) for he has prepared a city for them."(Can't wait for His Kingdom to be manifest in it's fullness.)
Heb. 11: 13-16.