The Voice of Truth

      I'm mulling over in my thoughts how we are really helpless in this world against what others will do , want to do, or mistakedly do which affects our lives. Most of the time we don't realize that we are helpless, as we've taken our own actions in trying to prevent something, or our reactions when something does happen as "being in control." Those things are only illusionary at best, preventing us from really seeing that we have no control. Sometimes we are put in situations when it becomes so obvious that we really are HELPLESS; those times when we are "up against a wall" with no way of escape. The only control people have said we have is in how we deal with our unpleasant or even disastrous situations on the inside of us.  My question then is," do we really have control of that?"
     Yesterday I experienced one of those situations. It all came out well, but during the course of it, I experienced much stress and anguish in my soul. I didn't like how I responded. I wanted to "do it right" again. (A dog returning to his vomit, because I wasn't able to lay it at His feet during the ordeal, but rather took things into my own hands out of  fear.)
     In my own eyes, I failed God in this, as I didn't let the Spirit take over, and I didn't "let my light so shine," and reflect Jesus in the situation. And, underneath it all, I blamed God for letting it happen, but outwardly I blamed the human beings involved, as I hesitated to acknowledge me blaming God, which now He is showing me. Because this is so (me blaming God) I am failing once again. Blame is a vicious circle, and better that we not even enter into it, as it has no end.
     I guess , in my pride, I want to be better than that. I want to react in a more superior way than others, and as I type this, I can see the grossness in it all. But, I don't know the way out of it. I feel trapped in it's clutch. During the very stressful ordeal, can I honestly admit that I COULD NOT  react any other way. I know people don't want to hear that, as it sounds like a "victim's" cry, but I'm not talking about using this "helplessness" as an excuse. I am saying I was guilty, and yet felt powerless to do anything other than what I did. And you might ask what did I do? I passed my anxiety and fear unto someone who was innocent in the situation, blaming them somehow of causing it, and they didn't. I could have been kind and loving to them, not letting my own fears and anxiety control me. Now, here is where the crux of the matter is. I can see in my head what I "should" have done, by letting His Spirit have His way in me, but I felt like something else, because of my fears took control instead.
     Oh, I know that sounds like a demonic force or something, when I said "something else took control," and maybe it was. I've considered that in my life before and have asked the Lord about it. I've persued having whatever demons may be in me cast out by believers who said they were trained in that. I've traveled many hours away to get counseling for a week to try and be delivered. I've read numerous books on the subject, and even gone into a Christ centered counseling facility for a month, many years ago, for help. And then, after so many years of seeking and perhaps needing to overcome "whatever," I still am operating like I did yesterday. Did I say I felt discouraged? Defeated? In despair, and even slightly depressed?
     Then, somewhere in me, a voice is saying, "It's because you have revealed the strategies of satan in your blog recently, and he's taking your reactions, which he is telling you in your mind that you are a failure, blaming and condemning you, to try and cause you to throw in the towel completely and be defeated, rendering you powerless in doing your part in the Kingdom of God."
     I have a plaque in my bedroom that says, "Be still and hear the quiet voice of God." My head had to get out all of these swirling thoughts before I could hear Him. Whew! I'm back, and just from a Word of truth from His Spirit. He is showing me that whenenver we focus on ourselves, even in what we perceive as what we've done wrong, is a strategy of satan to block the Lord's face and voice from our view. He only can show us what is really going on in a situation, and He has. Thank you, Lord , getting the false out of the way, and letting the truth rise to the surface once again.