A Rescuing Love

      I am beginning to feel the effects of God healing me from damaging guilt which has negatively affected me for a large part of my life. In the past, whenever I acted or reacted in what I felt was a wrong way, guilt would permeate my soul. It was as if, it was an invading, and definately, an unwanted enemy. It really made me feel sick in body and mind.
     Because I, perhaps, had pushed forgiveness away unconsciously, thinking that I deserved punishment, than this left me open to the devil's attack of pouring guilt in me. As I began to hear, believe and then dare to receive God's forgiveness, which has been a process over time, this gap has begun to close. I am feeling much better now.
     Even though I knew in my head, that Jesus did indeed die for my sins and offered me forgiveness, I could not (for lack of a better term) "access" it, nor allow it to flood my soul. There was just something in there preventing it from happening.
     I'm thankful that He loves my soul enough to not allow what is in there to remain, if it is blocking the flood of His grace, particularly if it is something I didn't know about, or couldn't control because it was under the surface. Many times, He will allow it to be jolted upwards due to something that happens, so that it is seen and dealt with.
     I believe what He showed me, in my case, is that somehow, I falsely believed that I really needed to pay for what I had done. Self-blame and even rejection, which had developed from my condemning past, would not let me receive His forgiveness. So, I went around feeling guilty, even believing under the surface, that was what needed to happen for me to "learn my lesson, so I wouldn't do it again." (As I type this, I see how sick that thinking really was.)
     When I didn't feel guilty, I would worry that I would do it again. Somehow, my mind never made the connection, that my guilt was not working as a rehabilitation tool. After so many years, it just became an automatic reaction, or should I say, an invitation for the enemy of my soul, to keep pouring guilt on me, with my subconscious permission. So, the poison of guilt, beat me down to a pulp.
     Never really seeing how mercy worked, because I don't recall it being something I ever experienced, whenever I would do wrong, I didn't know what it looked like or how it felt, or even how to experience it by receiving it, so I didn't know how it could help empower and cleanse me. My unforgiven sins, due to my accepting guilt, I carried around with me, accompanied by the shame that went with them.
     BUT GOD WOULDN'T LET ME STAY THAT WAY! The Scripture that I am experiencing in living color today is, "When your heart condemns you, God is greater than your heart." (I John 3:20) I am so glad He is! It seems He will overide our hearts self-condemnation, if things were put in there, that we were not aware of in order to rescue us from their power, as He 's done, and is doing, in me.
     Now, learning to embrace His love and mercy towards myself whenever I act out, is what He is showing me now. Instead of expecting guilt to be there, I am instead opening up to His forgiveness, with His mercy and unconditional love flooding my soul. And it is this, which will help me be cleansed and walk in newness of life, not guilt. (Romans 2:4) His goodness (or mercy) is the strength and confidence we need to be able to change. It encourages our faith in Him and His love for us.
     I am still feeling a little cautious of it, because I am so used to having negative feelings after, and my mind and the enemy try to talk me out of it, but I am resisting their suggestions more and more, and turning to what God wants for me, and to what I am learning is the healing balm that I need.  I also count on the fact that He is at work in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure (Phil. 2:15) and that He will get me where He wants me, as I continue to trust in Him, and as I work out what He is working in me.