Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea (God's Peace)

     Is it just the "good guys" who should do acts of service for the Lord? And what do I mean by this? If someone has certain repeat negative actions they have not overcome, such as being defensive, and angrily lashes out at their spouse, for example, do they have the right to reach out to others? I'm just being real here. And  yes, instead of saying I have a friend who does this, I am confessing that person is me. I've shared before that I often get discouraged at my behavior, which I feel is not in line with what God would have me do or be, and I've shared that the enemy sneaks up on me and "makes me do it," and also, and most importantly I've proclaimed in my posts that God is doing His work in me and will complete it, and that work is comforming me and his saints into the image of His Son.
     There is a song I've tried to find on YouTube, and can't, that I used to have on a CD. It was one of many songs we just called, "Soaking Music." The title is , "How Long?" and it expressed what I am feeling currently and what I keep feeling on and off concerning my negative behavior. In the song, the person is asking God how long until he awakes in His likeness, and  before he becomes like Him?  Yea, that's what I want to know.
      I get so discouraged with my behavior, and yes, I know that God will forgive me time after time, but to be frank with you, sometimes it seems like it is too often that I need it. I guess there is a self-accusing voice still left in me that says, "If you really were sorry, than you'd just stop your negative behaviors," or " You are abusing the grace  of God," or even the worst, "you're never going to change," which when I see it in writing is really indicting God and the work He has promised He'll do, and is doing in me. So in that aspect, I know it's the devil saying those things, especially that last fearful statement.
     And, to be even more truthful and self-exposing with you, underneath it all, I have been angry with God for not making me a naturally happy person. It seems some are, and they don't struggle so much like I do.  Again, as I type this, I see that I am comparing myself to others; another "wrong" thing to do. The only redeeming thing I've shared, is that I have been truthful with my thoughts and feelings, even though they may have been wrong ones.
     Do you ever get into these negative, cyclical thought patterns? This is one which surfaces in me from time to time, and I want it to STOP!
     If you've read my blog for any length of time, you will have observed that I am an analyzer. I've been accused by some of thinking too much, and that is probably true, but don't know how to stop that either. (Again, I am leaving the "renewing of my mind" up to the leading of the Spirit and remain open to Him doing it by replacing my false thoughts with the truths in His Word.)
     So, back to the analyzing. What perpetuated the question that I first wrote, and concerns about my negative behavior? Yesterday, my husband and I were in the car together for 8 hours, as we were driving out of state to Peter's funeral; the dear friend and brother I had posted about a few days ago. Anyway, there was several times that I was judgemental with my husband and expressed it towards him in a negative manner, and it upset me and I'm sure, him. When that happens repeatedly (I don't behave Christ-like) I usually get discouraged at my behavior and then want to persecute by condemning myself. That is the state I was in in my subconscious, which I am allowing to come into the conscious mind now, as I share it with you.
     The reason that I asked the question about acts of service to God, and am connecting it with my behavior yesterday, is because I am currently deciding if I will go on a trip to India in January and help minister to Pastor's wives there. I am wondering if I am qualified to do that. So, that is what this is all about. And, I truly do not know the answer. I feel like perhaps it's the enemy trying to "disqualify" me from doing it by bringing these thoughts in my mind against myself. I know he does those kinds of things. But, then again, could it be God showing me that I am not ready, and that I am to go back to the rock quarry where He wants to do more work on me? Have you ever been caught between wondering if certain impressions was God or the devil? I want resolve here.
     So, in the midst of this quagmire, I press on by waiting for God to make things clear to me. And that's where I am this morning. I hear a promise in my spirit saying, "those who wait upon the Lord will rise up with wings of eagles; they will not grow weary and they will not faint." Thank you, God, for that reminder and for that promise of hope.


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