Lady in Waiting

     It really is strange to love, follow and worship our unseen God. I woke up this morning and talked to Him. I told Him that I wanted to feel more of His love for me and His presence. I know by faith, He is here with me, and by His Spirit, in me. This also is a strange phenomena. But my desire to "feel" more of His love and Presence is my desire at this time, and obviously it is not His intent, or He would manifest His Presence to me.
     Our desire to "feel" Him, instead of to walk by faith can take one, I believe, to a dangerous place. For instance, if we are not careful, we will begin to try and "do" things in an attempt to get this feeling. We may try and spend more time with Him alone, or read the Word more, or even sacrifice more for Him, thinking that if we do these things, He will reward us and fill our desire. It is, however, an attempt to manipulate Him to do what we want Him to do. Or, our imagination can take over with demons coming alongside, and mimic His Presence. That is the worse case scenario, and one which, I believe, many Christians are caught up in.
     When we decide to follow Him, it becomes His will over our own. This may take many years of walking with Him for us to get the positioning right, after failed attempts, and resulting hurts and disappointment, of us trying to lead.
    He is helping me to do that by using my marriage relationship. I sometimes want more attention from my husband, or I want to feel he is present for me. This is the same desire we get in our relationship with God. But, He is showing me that He chooses when to manifest this Presence, and it is not initiated by me. When He does decide to do this, independently from me and my attempts to "make it happen" and I accept that, it is pure and true and beautiful and filling. 
     And it is the same in my marriage. When I wrangle and plead and even try and manipulate my husband's attention or his felt presence, if he does show it, it is not natural, but him just trying to please me or even worse, to make me be quiet. Instead of love, I get only his self-protection, which doesn't feel right or isn't filling for either one of us.
     Being a lady in waiting for both God's and my husband's love to be felt by me, and trusting that it will come and be made known, is a good thing. It shows a respect for both of them, and a submission to their Will of when they truly decide to give that to me, for then it is originated in their own hearts, and not as a result of my badgering or control. Because they are both the Head and the head of me in different ways, their decision is right and good.