A Barrier to Trust

     Dealing with trust between marriage spouses this  morning, in particular between me and my husband. We were talking about me trusting him earlier over coffee, because he has stated on and off throughout our marriage that my lack of trust towards him has caused many of our problems. Because of some developments lately, I am having to look at this squarely and am deciding if I will give him my trust. I am so wanting to press into what God has in store for us, and I am considering that my lack of trust may be a factor in hindering His plan, and I honestly don't want to do that. I want our marriage to be a picture of Christ and the church, as He says it should be.
     One thing I've discovered in this growing process is that I cannot by my will, change what's in my heart. Only God can. Let me explain. If I said to myself, or even to my husband, "ok,  I will trust you," it would not change the fact that I may have wounds in my soul which have affected my heart,  that is preventing me from doing that. Say that I had been betrayed time after time during my life when I have lent people my trust, and yet they used it to take advantage of me, or even have just blantantly de-valued me and misused it. Those wounds are still there, until the Holy Spirit exposes them, and I am able to acknowledge them with Him and experience the pain, forgive the other person, and then be healed. My ability to trust would then become stronger.
     I have gone through much healing of my soul's wounds over the years that I have been walking with the Lord. It is called soul redemption, and going through this process greatly affects our ability to receive the fullness and wholeness God has for us.
     Now, I am at another juncture in this process, that I believe God is wanting me to face. He is showing me some wounds that I may not have faced in my past, which are providing barriers to my ability to trust my husband currently. So, here goes another round of pain. So be it. I always try to envision how things will be on the other side to encourage myself in this process. You may disagree with all that I've said, but this is how it works with me. I have to look at when I've been hurt, feel the pain and not deny it, work through real forgiveness, and come out on the other side more renewed and restored. By this, I enter into the reality that God "has made all things new," after someone receives Jesus Christ, and His sacrifice on their behalf.
     I know one person God is bringing to mind who has betrayed my trust and that is my own Father, as He has shown me that I still have bad feelings towards him, even though he passed from this earth a few years ago. He didn't place on me how valuable I am. He didn't show me my preciousness. Now, that may sound petty, but it's really the foundation of trust either being layed in early life or not. If a Father communicates to his children that they are a unique blessing to him, and that they are truly precious and of great value by giving of his time and attention to them, then somehow that gives them the ability to trust. Don't ask me how, but there is a connection.
     So, I am going to have to spend time with the Lord and deal with the pain of this void with Him in a real way. Even I have told myself that it is petty, and that there are people out there who have suffered more greatly than I. This has only caused me to further bury my own pain and has hindered God's healing hand in my soul in "making all things new." I'm at a point now, where I must deal with this issue. There is a definite link between the rejection one has felt because of one's earthly Father, and their ability to trust their own spouse's love for them, and God Himself. So, I'll go there. I'll do it. I'll press on for the prize of the high-calling of Jesus Christ, which is to be conformed into His image, for my good and His glory. Amen.