Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Expressing our Need to Him

     I'm sorry that this is going to sound like another journal entry about me, but I woke up this morning feeling very distraught about myself, so if you'll excuse me, I need to try and write it out of me.
     I am really discouraged that I have a very hard time coping with bad news and happenings and stressful situations. I don't do it well at all, and that makes me even more sad and distraught. Why me? Why can't I be one of those "can do" people, full of confidence and ability to function well? It seems like struggling is my M.O. for some reason or another, and because of this, I feel inept and inadequate and sad. Any wonder I registered "high" on the personality test under the melancholy category? And that makes me sad, too. I don't want to be a melancholy. It has a bad rap. Like Eeyore of Winnie the Pooh who is always slow and talks in a monotone with little or no expression. What a prototype to be labeled after! (I don't however talk monotone, and thank goodness I have an avenue of expression in my writing.)
     But, let's get back to the subject, which is my stress, how I hate it and the fact that I am geared , it seems, to not be able to handle stressful situations well. One time I looked up on the internet about people that are easily stressed, and found out that through an experiment with rats, they concluded that the ones which didn't get much nurturing in infancy were the ones who were more easily stressed, compared to those who did. (F.W.I.W-For what it's worth)
     Without going into all the areas I've studied about people who don't deal with stress well, let me just say that my quest in doing so was so that I could atleast find others who were like me, and then maybe I wouldn't feel so weird or different about it. Sometimes a label does help. To say, "I have such and such" lets the person know they are "in the books" and a source of study and possible treatment. Well, maybe it doesn't help really. I mean, so what? There are some psychiatric researchers somewhere studying about your malady, but if they come up with a solution, they don't have your number anyway and won't call and tell you, so nevermind-it doesn't really help. So far, all I know about their answers to "helping" someone cope is by taking medications which are usually addictive, or have such harmful side effects that the cure is sometimes worse than the problem.
     What about God in all of this? Did He make me like this? Am I doing something wrong? I've had my belly full of good advisers. They are usually the "can do" people who, in my opinion, have no right to even speak, since they are not wired that way anyway. Now, someone who has come out and been set free from stress, who once used to be eaten up with it; that person I would listen to. Spiritual cliches like "just trust God" or " quoting Scripture like, "God has not given us a spirit of fear" or "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" don't help.  Lectures like "well, you know fear is the opposite of faith" or "read the Scriptures over and over until you believe them. This is how God renews your mind," or even, "fix your mind on things above, and look into the eyes of Jesus" aren't helpful either.
     So, what is God saying to me in all of this, and what is His solution? Is He saying that in the world, I will experience stress and for me to just let it happen. By this I mean, that when a person gets stressed, adrenaline is released in their body, and if they don't use this adrenaline to fight or flight, it is released in the bloodstream and causes harm to one's organs. So, in that aspect, I don't think He would say to just let stress have it's way, which brings destruction to one's mental and physical self.
Uh, what else could He be saying? Yes, "trusting Him"is close to the bullseye, but I am sensing something even more personal and intimate here.
     When I talked to my sister in the Lord yesterday on the phone, we began to talk about how He is our Shepherd, and what that means, and how He wants to be that for us. In this conversation, we agreed that we can know all about Him, discuss it and even teach it, but if we aren't personally experiencing His shepherding in our lives, it is meaningless. So, maybe that is what He is saying to me. Maybe He is saying, "let me love you" as you need to be loved. Let me love the stress out of you.
     So, how do I need to be loved? What am I after here? What could He do that would cause me not to be stressed, or even not be upset about not only what is going on in this present world, but what is going on in my present world, or in me.
     In the current situation I am facing, I need Him to change things so that I don't have to go through it, or I need Him to change my insides so that I can face it without fear. That is what I need from my good Shepherd at his time. Perhaps He waits for us to humbly ask, and we are thinking we should be able to handle things on our own. Dumb, really when you think of it. I mean, why do we need Him if we can do everything ourselves? No, I can't "not fear," on my own.
     In light of all of this, I am asking, my good Shepherd what I just typed. I need You to either not make me face what I may have to face, or help me face it by changing my reactions on the inside, so that I don't feel any fear, but I feel your Loving Presence only. That is what would feel like love to me. Love me, Lord. I'm asking; I need you.



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