Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Friday, May 16, 2014

What Went On? What Does It Mean?

     Why do some of us, (maybe all, I don't know) get into downward spirals? Yesterday I was in one of those. I ate all kinds of unhealthy foods, which was only a reflection of how I was feeling inside. It was one of those days that it seemed, I had run out of things to do, and the things I could have done, I had absolutely no motivation for. So, my sense of purpose was totally gone. I felt unconnected to everything, even God. Totally undone. It felt like nothingness; devoid of life and love.
     Was it from a spirit I was picking up from someone else? Was it subconscious mental or emotional disturbance that was affecting me? Was it a shift God was doing in me in a good direction, and it felt like death to my flesh? Was it my flesh trying to punish myself because I was eating the wrong things, with more wrong things, instead of me asking for the Lord to help me, which I felt impossible to do? Or, was it simply a demonic attack, that tried to make me think that there is something wrong with me? Maybe I just bit the lure of the lust of the flesh, and then continued on that course. I do know one thing-it was self-destructive.
     A few nights ago, we watched a movie called,  Ragamuffin. It was about the life of Rich Mullins, the very talented song writer and singer, who became associated with his most popular song, "Awesome God." In it, the term "ragamuffin" is used to describe people who know they are broken, but God loves them anyway. Upon hearing this term, Rich knew that he was one of them. He struggled throughout his life, never seeming to be able to get over the abusive statements his father had screamed at him when he was a little boy. Even when he was famous and it was obvious he was so creative, he struggled in anguish with his past. He was a broken man.
     I'm wondering if I am a "ragamuffin," for I, too, have struggled emotionally, on and off with these episodes,  my whole life. I don't want to have a label I wear as a badge, because I do believe in the power of the Holy Spirit within me to overcome, and He has taken me so far in overcoming fears and insecurities within me. I know I am, and am becoming a new creation. In fact, if you've read my blog, you know that one of the main topics I discuss is His work in us. But, I keep having these reoccuring episodes, even though they are further and further apart. When I have them, and am in the middle of them, they seem so unbearable, and like I'll never reach the bottom, as they seem to have a life of their own full of anger, guilt and self-hatred.
     I am currently leading a study, the Lord gave me by revelation, with 3 women entitled "Becoming a Yielded Wife," and it deals with not only what the title infers, but also with us first becoming yielded to the Lord, as His wife. It is taken from a dual position of spirit and natural. Could me doing this have something to do with the episode I had yesterday?
     Some of you are of the temperament that would say to me, "just get over it. It's done and today is a new day." While there is some merit to that perspective, I want to hear God about this, because I sense He is wanting to show me something which He'll use to help me overcome, or atleast use to bring further cleansing in me, and maybe that is what He did with it. But I want to have Him show me; I want to see what He sees. It may help me help others who get into these same spirals of despair, and give me insight to stop these from happening in my own life, if that is what He wants.
     God bless you as you journey with Him and allow Him to get what He wants with our lives, even as you struggle.


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