Trust and Obey; Not Obey and then Trust.

     This post is going to continue from yesterdays post, so if you didn't read it you might have to, so you can understand what I am saying and why.
     God hasn't revealed to me clearly if the decision I believed He put before me, and me thinking I heard His voice many other times in the past, was Him or not. He may leave it that way for now, for His reasons. But, I can say that as a little time has passed, it seems like the extreme decision I thought He was leading me to make, was not Him.
      Sometimes if in my life when I am thrown a "monkey wrench" (something that hits me in the stomach which I don't see coming) I go into extreme mode, seeing only black or white. This may be something in me, which I referred to in the post yesterday, as a flaw in my wiring, and things are processed through this flaw in me. It can skew my being able to hear God clearly.
     But, as God showed me yesterday, He is still here with me, and can override my flaws, as I surrender to Him in the process of sanctification He desires to take all believers through. This process is His perfecting of us, by the dying to self or crucifixion of self, resulting in the conforming us into the image of Jesus! And so, the life-shaking thing that came to light the other day, I believe, was used in this process, perhaps to remove the flaw that was in me.
     As tempting as it was for me to take matters into my own hands, I realized it was too big for me to do that so I unknowningly let the restraining power of the Holy Spirit within me take over. I quietly waited, all the while experiencing my intense emotions within, until He began to make things clear. The fact that I was able to do that revealed the work He has previously done in me.
     I have had a deep peace, though, through the whole ordeal, as shaking as it was to my being. I am not as unsettled now, as I was at first, but am just a little stunned. Fear, which has been at the bottom of alot of how I have processed my thoughts, was not present during this trial. And, as I'm typing this statement, maybe that is the wiring flaw in me that was either removed or is in the process of being removed. Hmmmmm........?  Perhaps the fear was the flaw, and the outcome of that has been to only be able to see black and white, as a sort of self-protection for me.
     How has  that provided self-protection? Well, it makes it easy to understand; it's either one extreme or the other, and not in between. Only 2 options eliminates confusion or feeling vulnerable, or maybe even having to put it in God's hands and not mine. Another hmmmmm...................?
     I see in my mind's eye, a long brown pointy thorn in my brain, which when this crisis prevented itself to me the other day, was pulled out by the Master Surgeon. I'm reminded of the Scripture which says,"when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of God will lift up a standard against him." Isaiah 59:19.
     It felt like a punch in the stomach, but it was actually God removing this thorn the devil had lodged in my soul, which had affected my thinking processes many years ago. And God had had enough of it!!!! So, I believe, He let this come to pass in my life, knowing I would process it as a faith crisis, but His plan was to use it to my good to take something out of the way (the fear in me) so that I could actually hear Him more clearly. He knew I would not understand the pain of it all, during the crisis, but He also knew He had my back and would keep me through it.
    Again, I am being shown "the keeping power of God" in my life. He is showing me I can trust Him even in light of the fact that I am flawed, meaning that I  will do, think,  and even believe wrongly, but that Christ in me, will eventually have His way through me, as I remain truly desiring His will in me and in my life. That is a relief, and lifts so many weights off me.
      Because I feared not doing it right, I tried to "make sure" I was doing it right, and with that I felt responsible for things He never intended for me to be responsible for, and couldn't do anyway. The truth of "trust and obey" comes to mind as to my part of the relationship. I notice the order of this statement is to trust first, then out of that will come our obedience. It's not to obey first, then you will trust Him. I think that is what I was believing with that "fear thorn" in my thought processes.
     I am doing well, post-surgery. Today I feel better than yesterday, and will soon begin rehab in Him teaching me how to "walk in newness of life." (He's not only the Surgeon, but the Therapist too!)  This will involve responding in new ways to what happens in my life and in taking a new perspective on things. And, of course, overtime my behavior will change also.
     I always want to remain under the care of Him, and not be "up and running" within myself. And, of course, He will help me in this too. I trust Him. He is trust-worthy. He will not leave me. He will show me the way. He is with me. He is here. He is now. He loves me. Case closed.