Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Monday, June 02, 2014

Soul Healing

    Continuing with the "go with it" post  yesterday: I woke up about 2:00 a.m. with many thoughts going through my head. I rehearsed in my mind, how 3 people I have known have repelled me with either scoldings or criticisms they have made towards or about me. These people are unaware of how what they have said to me has affected me negatively, and in their minds, I'm sure what they have said to me has either been forgotten by them, or they would consider it to have been for my own good, if it was brought up to them. I know, I'm supposed to forgive, and to tell you the truth, I don't know if I have or not. I only know that I want to avoid being in a relationship with them, and I think I know why.
     I was raised in an atmosphere of  scorn, and this has had a lasting effect on me. Everything that went wrong was someone's fault, and so I accepted the fault as my own.  Who did this? Who did that? Do this! Do that! What are you doing now? Where are you going? It seemed like my life and actions were under intense scrutiny and this caused me to be careful in taking one little step. I became hyper-vigilant, trying to make sure I didn't break the rules so that I wouldn't get in trouble, or worse, made to feel guilty and shameful. I was controlled, and wasn't given much room to make decisions, and when I was, I had no confidence in making good ones.  My way of escape was to get alone and play my record player and color in my coloring books. This brought me a certain degree of peace.
     So, I know why I cannot cope with being around people who either have an attitude of scorn, or who say critical things about me, or who scold me in any way, shape or form. I have to have an environment to heal in, and that's not it.
     I've never thought it approved by God for me to just walk away from relationships like that, but now I am thinking it is o.k. for the continued healing He wants to bring to me. The people I'm referring to are good people otherwise, but what is in them is colliding with what is in me, and it's not working.
     Two of the people I currently am not in a relationship with, and it wasn't unusual for it to end as it just naturally dissolved. The other one I am in, and she will wonder if I become distant, and probably probe me about it. I won't reveal the bottom line truth to her, as her reaction will be critical, I know.  It's happened before.
     I am wondering if this is what God is trying to tell me, as I've let the feelings of sadness "have it's way in me." Is He saying for me to distance myself from people who are not nourishing to my soul's health, so that I can be healed, and to just be around positive, uplifting people who truly love me? I'm kind of thinking that. We'll see. I know that I want to be delivered from this oppression that has pervaded me for way, way too long, and this may be one of the steps I need to take for that to happen.


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