Great and Unsearchable Things

Things the Lord gives me, and then I write them.

Monday, November 03, 2014

Opening Up

     I am betwixt and between in deciding (hearing from God about) whether or not it is a good thing to opening one's soul and sharing what is in it to certain people. It seems like my soul has been repressed for a long time, and therefore, I am not able to express my true feelings very well. And, with that, I am thinking that is one reason that I, and many others who may have done the same thing of shutting down, feel alone.
     Yesterday, I "dared" to express a desire I had to my son and he asked why I felt that way, and I couldn't come up with it. I wanted him to do something, but didn't really know the depth of why I wanted it. So, with him asking me, I was able to hear from the depths of my soul, and discover the real "why." I could have just left it there, and let it remain underground, like I had so many times in the past, but I, again, "dared" to share it with him. He responded well, and it felt right to me also. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. What I shared were my true feelings, which I felt  a little exposed and vulnerable in sharing on one hand, but on the other, I am sensing that this way may be a very important part of the healing that is needed in me and in my relationships with the ones I love. Because of the repression that I have chosen for so long in the past, they really don't know me. I have repressed things so deep, that I really don't know myself much either.
     So, here I am with a sincere desire to let God lead me in this path, and getting me ready to open up things buried and, I thought dead. (and they probably were, but the problem with that is that sooner or later, dead things stink, and something then has to be done) I am looking squarely at what part I have played in the distance I feel in most, if not all of my relationships and the fears I've had to do it any other way, and how those fears have caused more damage, and have not protected me as I'd hoped.
     It really all boils down to love, what that means, and letting God lead us into the healing when we haven't loved  because we've hid ourselves from it. "Leave me alone," was my motto. Now, I am hoping that is changed to, "Can I share myself with you?" Only the true Lover of our Soul, Christ in us, can do that kind of work within us as we open ourselves up to it.


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