Determining God's Will

     Much of my Christian walk  has been "held in the balance." By that, I mean, that I can't really see where I am going or where I'm supposed  to be going. When I use the phrase, "where I'm supposed to be going" I'm not referring to an obligation, but what God would have me do, and I'm wanting to do that to honor Him with my life.
     When I learned that I was His, things got more complicated. The truth of me not being my own, and that I was bought with a price beared greater weight on wanting to give my life's decisions over to Him. The reality of Him shedding His blood to "buy" me, also helped me want to offer myself as a living sacrifice. I want to worship Him in this way.
     But, it also makes things more difficult in determining what He does want of me and my life. I see the whole of my life made up of daily decisions.
     I don't hear Him very clearly many times, though. Some have said that because He is in us, then whatever we do, is directed by Him. Others pray, seek and wait until they are sure they know the answer, and then if they think they do, try to "make sure" it's His answer and not their own thoughts or emotions guiding them.  Some get a Scripture and base their decision on that and go on, and some never do anything, paralyzed because they are never sure. (Taken to the extreme and being legalistic on this issue, I suppose could cause one to get ridiculous in seeking Him on whether or not to brush their teeth-and then we've got the issue of what kind of toothpaste. Yikes! Now that's bondage!.) I'm not talking about those kinds of decisions.
     Many times He shows me a piece of His will, and then another and then another until it starts to form a picture, and then I know. This happens more often than not. It's like He knows I couldn't receive or follow it if He showed me "the whole enchilada!" I'm glad He is so wise and knowing! Still at other times, He changes course on me. Or it seems like a change, but it could be that I just thought I had the answer and I really didn't. Nevertheless, He is faithful to finally get us there, if we really want Him to.
     It seems God uses different means to communicate with each one of us, and He also seems to use different ways for different situations in one person's life. No, He definately is not a formula God, and won't be boxed in by our conclusions. Maybe that is what I get frustrated at: I want to understand a clear cut way God speaks, and I want Him to stick with it! Afterall, doesn't He know all I want is to do His will (?) so why won't He just tell me plainly. Maybe He knows I have that "Peter-thing" of proclaiming my desire to follow Him all the way, but I am really lying to myself, so He holds back in revealing it to me. Just a thought.
     Who really knows what's going on but Him? Last week I wrote a poem that spoke to that very thing-His Sovereignty! And He is wanting to teach me more about that. Bottom line: He is God. I am not. He decides how, what, when, where and who! I want to get used to this yielded relationship with Him, but I also know that He has to change things inside of me that prevent total surrender.
     I don't want to fight with Him, like Jacob did. I want to voluntarily yield. And if I won't , the fight will be on, and we know who will win. Jacob fought with God until He blessed him. Little did he know that "blessing him" involved injury to his being, so that he would conform to His will. That is when we are truly blessed.
     The words of a song I know express it well: "And it's only in your Will that I am free." Freedom from everything that binds us in this life is in surrendering to His Will, not our own. Lord, help us do that. We don't want to be your "slaves" but your "Free men"-free to choose Your will, for Your glory alone.